You didn’t see Unknown Hinson at Ruby Tuesday on November 30. And for that, you suck. See, while you were home watching “Real Housewives of Buttsweat, Indiana,” we saw a total tornado of troubadour talent.

Unknown Hinson is better than whatever crap you enjoy, hoss. Here’s five reasons why:

1. He has a gun.
   That’s right, while you’re favorite band probably brings bottled water and a lyrics sheet onstage, Unknown brings a goddamn snub nose .38. He announces his arrival with a gunshot and the audience responds by peeing a little. You might be thinking, but what about Ted Nugent? He has a bow and arrow onstage. First, never bring a bow to a gun fight. Second, Nugent was in Damn Yankees. All the macho posturing in the world ain’t going to wash away that kind of pussy smell, Ted.




2. His face.
   Just look at him!
   

   

   Who knew eyebrows could be so…dark? He has somehow managed to create a look that nobody else knew was possible: Homeless Redneck Vampire! Alice Cooper wishes he could be so scary. Lady Gaga wishes she could be so creative. And Marilyn Manson? Well, he just wishes he wasn’t Marilyn Manson.

3. He’s the king of the country western troubadours.
   He just is. With just a Reverend guitar, a Vox pedal, and a Fender SuperSonic amp, Hinson achieves a sublime tone that’s as country as the Opry and rocks like a hurricane.Who else even comes close? Keith Urban? Puh-leeze, he’s not even American. Toby Keith? He’s TOO American. Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw or Kenny Chesney? I honestly can’t tell any of those guys apart. Sure, George Strait may have an album called “Troubadour,” but that’s like calling Ashton Kutcher an “actor.” A name don’t make it so, hoss.




4. He knows what a woman wants to hear and ain’t afraid a no husband.
   We’ve already established that his sound is better than your favorite band. But the music is only half the story. Consider these lyrics:
   
   

   Yeah, he don’t scare me none, and he sure don’t scare my gun
   I ain’t afraid of your husband, baby, I’ll be over tonight
   It won’t do no good to lock them doors and windows tight
   ‘Cause I ain’t afraid of your husband, baby, I’ll be over tonight
   -from “I Ain’t Afraid of Your Husband”

   See, gangster rappers, thats how you do it. You can write a misogynistic song without using the words “bitches” or ” hos”. At the show we saw, he even dedicated “I Aint Afraid of Your Husband” to a lovely young lady in the front row, and she swooned like Juliet on her balcony.

5. Squidbillies.
   Unknown Hinson is the voice of Early on Squidbillies. To open the show, Unknown showed brand new episodes of Squidbillies. Brand new, not recycled footage like some other band that shall remain…Dethklok. Below is a link to a video that will explain everything about Unknown Hinson’s relationship with Squidbillies. And by everything, I mean nothing.

   Unknown Hinson Squidbillies Extra

 
Feel free to leave a comment if you think there is an artist who is better than Mr. Hinson.